Going on a diet to reduce weight takes a lot of commitment. A whole lot. Everything around you is working against you meeting your goal of losing weight and getting healthier. Case in point, grocery stores.
If you diet to reduce weight
Chuckles from the Chip Aisle
I walked into my local Target with my wife on our weekly shopping trip. As my wife was “looking for something (That’s latin for an hour-long pursuit of – nothing)”, I decided to venture out on my own. I quickly realized how dangerous a newly dieting person walking alone in the open Target terrain was dangerous, but it more dangerous than I could have dreamed. I didn’t realize how dangerous until the products started to talk to me –
“Hey, hottie wanna party?” asked the Terra vegetable chip bag.
“No,” I replied, “I’m just passing through to get to the fresh fruit and vegetables”.
“Y’all ain’t foolin’ us, there’s only one reason you’d be walking down our row – you want to have a carb party. We don’t judge, we’re here to help, partner,” said the Pringles Ranch flavored chip tube.
“Yeah,” said Terra, “you must be lost – or maybe you really wanted to come here in the first place.”
“No, I need to go,” I said turning and taking a step to go.
“Wait, baby. Let me introduce you around,”
“Well, I guess if I left so soon, it would be rude,” I said turning back around.
“That’s better, baby. I’m Terra. I sound like I’m a chip from space, like – do you like Star Wars or Star Trek?” Terra asked.
“Wars” I replied.
“Well, I’m the chip that Kylo Ren or Rey loves. May the Chips Be With You, young Padawan” Terra said.
“I’m not so sure. I don’t think all you chips are on my diet plan.” I said.
“Look at my bag, I’m VEGETABLE chips. Can you have vegetables on your diet?” Terra asked.
“Well, yes,” I answered.
“Then grab me quick before -” Terra quickly responded.
“Wait a minute, do you want something hot?”
“On no, It’s Doritos Flamas chips,” Terra said.
“I guess,” I said.
“Then grab an oven mitt, because if you pick me up with your bare hands -” Doritos Flamas said.
“Wanna get Lays? Huh? Do ya? Remember, you can’t just have one -” Lays Potato Chips sultrily interjected.
“Yoo Hoo, over here! You need to get some Ruffles in your life. We have ridges. Once you go ridges -” Ruffles said.
“Stop!” My wife yelled at the chip bags slowly closing in on me, “Leave the weak dieter alone! He’s with me, and his snack for the day (holding up a stalk of celery)!”
“We were just talking,” Terra said backing away.
“Yeah, he came into our aisle,” Lays responded.
“We were set up. We’re just pawns in his game,” Ruffles said.
My wife pulled me away from the fray and scolded me, “Honey, why did you wander off by yourself?”
“You were looking for clothes, and there’s nowhere comfortable to sit in Target,” I said.
“Honey, you’re on a diet and very weak, plus you’re a man. Chips know they can get to men, but not women – that’s the chocolate bar’s job,” My wife explained.
“Hey lady, we’re over here in the snack aisle. We have a new Almond Butter Toffee Super Crunch Bar! They have free samples today! Hurry it’s the next aisle over!” The chocolate bars called out.
“Not now, chocolate bars. You’re not helping!” My wife called back.
I ate the celery stalk and escaped the chip aisle knowing that being on a diet is tougher than I thought. Doritos Flamas blew me a kiss and said, “We’ll always be here for you.”
The struggle is real.