RoneyZone Media proudly presents the Men are Dumb Podcast
Show notes can be found at menaredumb.org/007
Hi there. My name is Jeff, and I am your host.
We have a dumb guy story about how a guy tries to protect his wife and battles one of the most terrifying members of the insect world. Maybe this has also happened to you. Listen and find out, and our Dumb Guy School we continue with Part 2 of the tremendous lesson from Tricia and Siana, hosts of The 2 Girls on a Bench Podcast (https://twogirlsonabench.podbean.com/).
So buckle up, let’s go!
Dumb Guy Story
DUMB GUY VS THE WASP
Hi Jeff, my name is Lenny. My wife and I were cleaning our apartment one summer day.
Well, my wife was cleaning and I was cleaning – the videogame remote. Just the remote.
My wife loudly reminds me, “I’m trying not to nag, but – for the 10th time – Please take the trash out!”
“Okay. Okay.” I replied, grabbed the trash bag and when I opened the screen door – a wasp flew in.
“Ahhh!” My wife screamed, “There’s a wasp in the house!” then she ran into the bathroom and locked the door. She locked the door. Seriously, she locked the bathroom door.
It was a wasp, not Jason Bourne, but whatever.
So, there I was – holding the bag of trash with the open screen of our apartment, so I set it outside the doorway. I then felt I needed to explain to all those that heard her blood-curdling scream to let them know what was going on, “Hi neighbors. I’m not trying to kill my wife or anything…” My neighbor Ned, replied, “We know. There’s a wasp in your house. Good luck. Oh, and do what your wife said for the 10th time and take out the trash – farther than your front door.”
I shut the screen door and the front door and surveyed the fresh Hell my house had become.
“Did you get it?” My wife frantically asked
“What do you mean, get it?”
“You know, get it – out of here”
“But it likes it in here”
“Get it – out!”
“Ok, Ok. (pause) Uh Oh…”
“Uh Oh, what?” my wife asked
“They, I know who it is…”
“What are you talking about?”
“I’ll bet you its Evangeline Lilly.”
“You know, the Wasp. She is quite a wasp, ya know.”
“You are sooo… Did you get it, yet?”
“No, I’m fixing my hair. If it is Evangeline Lilly, I want to make a good impression. Now, for some breath spray…”
“You are such an… I’m calling 911. We need some help…”
“Honey, just relax,” I replied. Just then the wasp dive bombed me. I guess she liked my breath spray – a lot,
“Oh, hey the wasp just dive bombed me. Aw, hell no. It’s over Evangeline, I’m sorry. Alright, I know what to do…”
“Now, I’m really scared. What are you doing?” She asked
I emerged from our bedroom with my special wasp wrangling suit on;
It was my Darth Vader helmet,
My wife’s, long winter coat, Snow boots, and Oven mitts. I became Darth NapsAlot, and I was reclaiming my house from this wasp.
“What’s going on, honey? Did you get it?”
I lowered my voice and in my Darth Vader-ish tone, I replied,”Have no fear, Darth NapsAlot is here. I shall deal with this foul insect with the power of the
“Honey, you’re talking gibberish. I’m calling the fire department, and when I call the fire department, they will send firemen. I just need a few minutes to
“I’ve got it handled,” I said, “The wasp landed on your Mom’s coffee cake she made us.”
“No! Get it off that. I was going to have some…later”
“Well, at least something likes her baking…”
“What did you say???”
“I said I got a broom – I mean my lightsaber. I shall strike down the foul insect…”
There was a knock at the door, and I walked over to open the door. It was a girl scout, “Good afternoon. My name is Sally. I’m a Girl Scout, selling Girl Scout cookies. What’s with the get-up? Halloween isn’t for a couple of months.”
“No, see we have a wasp in the house,”
“(slowly) Okaaaaay, well Mrs. DarthFire, I’m selling GirlScout cookies. How many boxes do you want?”
“Oh no, I’m on the Keto diet. I’m trying to lose weight,”
Can you eat Girl Scout Cookies on a Keto Diet?
“Hmm,” she replied, “It doesn’t look like you’re trying very hard. What about 5 boxes of Thin Mints. Ya know, because they’re thin,”
“No, I don’t want any Girl Scout cookies!” I said, just then the wasp flew toward me. I saw the broom on the floor, I stretched out my hand and tried to summon the power of The Force to retrieve it, but alas, I wasn’t strong enough with the force. The wasp was coming toward me and I could see vengeance in its eyes.
It’s very, very tiny eyes.
The Girl Scout continued with her sales pitch, “Come on, mister. What about a box or two of the Toffee-tastic cookies, they’re new.”
“No,” I replied, “I will stay on my diet and not fall to the call of the cookies.”
I saw the wasp, right in front of my face and I summoned all the force
I could muster and I said to the wasp, “Wasp, you will go get the GirlScout!” and I opened the screen door – and it happened. The wasp actually obeyed my force command. The Girlscout screamed at the wasp coming toward her and said as she ran away, “I’ll be back – with my scout leader, who is also a lawyer. Lawyer up, mister. This isn’t over…”
I was so proud of myself. I was also sweating up a storm wearing the mask and winter clothes in the heat of Summer. I announced to all around,
“I am Darth NapsAlot, the Dark Lord of the Sith. I have used the Dark Force and have cleansed our house of the evil wasp and the petulant Girl Scout.
MiLady, you may come out of the bathroom now.”
My wife came out of the bathroom, rolled her eyes and said, “Ok, Lord NapsAlot, I still called the fire department. Now, I have a low grade (non-dangerous) fire to stage, and fix *my* hair…”
Dear Men are Dumb, my name is Dan. I want to tell you an interesting story of what happened to me the other day. I was sitting at home, minding my own business –
trying to toss Combo snack treats up and catching them in my mouth, but wait – I was doing it blindfolded. Which is much harder, it turns out. Then, I heard a knock at the door,
so I got up to open the door. It turns out, I needed to take off the blindfold much sooner than I did to not trip on the couch when I walked to the door.
I opened the door and a guy was standing there,
I asked quizzically, “May I – help you?”
“Well, I’m here to help you, actually” he replied
“I’m good actually, thanks for stopping by,” I tried to shut the door and the mystery dude at the door interjected, “Oh no. You are in so much trouble that you have no idea.
My wife is in a neighborhood book club,”
“Uh, I’m s-sorry for you, I guess…and what does that have to do with me?” I said
“Hold on. I’m not done. It’s called a Book Club, but they don’t talk about books, they talk about you and your house…”
“Why?” I asked,
“Okay, I’m going to sit down on this dusty front porch chair, and we’ll talk about it. I have a list. Number 1 – What month is it?”
“Un, February – I think”
“Ding ding ding – you are right, It’s February. February 12th, actually”
“If it’s February – Why are there still Christmas lights on your house and front lawn?”
“I – was – busy? Why do you care?”
“Again, I don’t care, but my wife cares, and when my wife cares – I care. Every time we drive by your house – we discuss it. Look, Buddy, It’s not Christmas anymore – take down the lights, okay?”
“Now, wait a minute. It could be Valentine’s Day lights…”
“Well, okay – there are some red lights in my display, which are Valentine’s Day colors – and, and, and Mr. and Mrs. Claus are in love. Isn’t that sweet? Oh, and some would say that Rudolph is the Spirit Animal of Valentine’s Day because ya know – his nose”
“Hmmm, Let’s check with the judge on your “Valentine’s Day” light display – Ehhh! I’m sorry, my wife says you must take them down,”
“Wow, she’s tough…”
“Oh, we’re not done. We’re just getting started. Number 2 – So, you play the bagpipes…”
“Yes. How’d you know?”
“We know. We all know,”
What do neighbors do that annoys you?
“It was mildly annoying when it was just you, but when you brought the rest of your bagpiping group over to your house and practiced synchronized marching routines on your front yard…”
“That was so fun. It was our Game of Thrones routine. We made the Targaerian sigal and played the theme over and over…”
“We know, we all know,”
“Who called the cops on us?”
“Oh, That was my wife, for sure. Now, let’s continue – Number 3 – Tell me about the tap dancing,”
“Well, I was looking around online for after Christmas sales and these tap shoes started talking to me, ya know?”
“No, they’d never talk to me – unless it was keeping me from taking my Saturday afternoon nap…”
“Well, I decided to do something fun – I bought tap shoes for the whole family,”
“We know, we all know,”
“Is there any way for you and your family to take up a little quieter hobby?”
“Hmmm (pause) no,”
“Okay, next – Number 4 – your fish smoker,”
“We looooove smoked Salmon,”
“We know, we all know,”
“Is that all???”
“No, but fixing all those things is a great start. My wife will be happy, and when she’s happy – I’m happy. Oh – one more thing, the yoga,”
“My natural yoga is very quiet. What’s wrong with my natural yoga?”
“Just one thing – keep your drapes shut!”
To assist with the rehabilitation of Dumb Guys everywhere, help is finally here.
There is a seat just for you in our Dumb Guy School. We will feature lessons that will help us dumb guys be not so dumb. Class is now in session
(school bell sound effect).
This episode we continue with Part 2 with Tricia and Siana, the hosts of The 2 Girls on a Bench Podcast (https://twogirlsonabench.podbean.com/).
(Men are Dumb School Lesson
We thank Tricia and Siana for our lesson today. Please check out their podcast.
Thanks for joining us here at the Men are Dumb Show.
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Men, if you’ve been really dumb lately, remember – every day you have a chance to wake up be less dumb,
Ladies, if you’re with a dumb guy – sorry.
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Written, performed, and edited by Jeff Roney
Special thanks to William Lundin, Brad Pogras and Tony Ortiz