Why Can’t Women Decide on a Place to Go Eat?
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RoneyZone Media proudly presents the Men are Dumb Podcast
Show notes can be found at menaredumb.org/002
And now, here is your host…
Hello. I’m Jeff.
We have a fantastic (that’s way better than good) episode this time;
– We have a dumb guy story about; how a husband got in big trouble because he loves free stuff,
– A crazy, Dumb Guy Rom-Com Movie review of a classic Rom-Com movie,
– We received an email asking about something every guy goes through just about every day,
– We also have a Stump the Dumb Guy question and more.
Dumb Guy Story
Free Isn’t Really Free: The Manne-Cant Live Here Anymore
We received a Dumb Guy Story about a guy with a problem. If you have one you’d like to be read on the show, we’ll let you know how to get it to us in a bit. This story is a doozy – Maybe some other guys out there have this same problem, too. Let’s find out – This one’s called How free is free stuff?
Email music “Hi Men are Dumb Podcast. If anyone ever thinks that men aren’t dumb, they just need to listen to my story.
My name is Jimothy and I like free stuff. No, I LOVE free stuff. Anything. Seriously. I got in line so much for free samples at Costco, they banned me.
You heard that right.
Now, I have to pay people to get free samples and bring them out to me. I know. The irony that I now have to *pay* for *free* samples isn’t lost on me.
Anyway, back to my story. I’m a salesman. My control of the human language makes me money. I’m proud of that fact, but – my mouth also gets me into trouble. Big trouble.
Just ask my wife.
Ok – See, my office has this yearly pumpkin carving contest, and all the employees get really serious about it. The winning team gets to have a jacuzzi party in a vat of Pumpkin Spice Latte. See what I mean? It’s serious.
I really wanted my team to win this year, and I had an idea.
Just to let you know – My wife always worries when I say, “I have an idea…” it never ends well – and neither does this one, but no spoilers.
I pitched the idea to another guy on my pumpkin carving team and I said “We should get a mannequin and make it look like the pumpkin is floating in between its hands, like a magician”
Normally when I say things like that, they never happen, but incredibly – this precise time – the Universe to line up all these planets – and made this happen. Not the dream of Van Halen playing at my wedding or Margot Robbie tweeting me a Happy Birthday tweet on my birthday. Oh no, not that – it was this one – The Magical Mannequin.
The next day, the other guy on my team, said: “Hey, I got the mannequin…”
Now, think about the last time that has ever come up in any conversation you’ve had… Nope, not ever.
So, he brought the mannequin into work and now I actually had to make my idea happen.
After using lots of wire and multiple rolls of duct tape, I made our pumpkin “float” between the hands of this mannequin. We put on a black robe with a Ghostface mask on it (Why? Maybe we were trying to nudge Dimension Films to do a Scream/Now You See Me crossover – Now You See Me Scream) and I was sure we would win the contest.
I thought the Mannequin saga was over, but no. It was not.
The provider of said mannequin walked up sheepishly asked if I would have any use for the mannequin.
I tried to explain why I couldn’t take it home, but the next thing I know I was loading this absolutely free mannequin into my car.
Well, I use ‘into the car’ term loosely – her feet were hanging out the window.
As I drove home, I started channeling my wife and getting worried about transporting a partially clothed female mannequin home. I put on my Ray Ban Wayfarers on and hoped anyone would think I was Tom Cruise, driving the mannequin to a Risky Business reboot shoot.
I made it home and quickly carried the mannequin into the garage and I started worrying again. What if someone saw me carrying the mannequin to the garage?
I’ve seen Alfred Hitchcock’s “Rear Window” and some nosey neighbor might think I did someone unthinkable to my wife. I can’t have that come up in the neighborhood watch gossip session, so I had a new plan.
I would give this Albatross Mannequin away and be free from its cursed-ness on my life.
I made sure it was properly clothed and hauled it out to the curb. I know for sure that anything set out by the curb is guy code for the best thing ever, for free.
In 10 minutes, the mannequin was gone. I was free from the curse! I did the happy dance and carried my dirty clothes which were on the front room floor – to the dirty clothes hamper, because I’ve heard – that where they are supposed to live.
I started watching some Youtube videos about how many Mentos it would take to launch the Space Shuttle and then – the doorbell rang.
I looked through the peephole – and there it was staring back at me – the prodigal mannequin had returned – with a note.
The note read, “Hello there neighbor, My name is unimportant, but you and I need to come to an agreement very quickly. You must promise me. Seriously, do it now. Promise me that you will never put this mannequin out on the curb every again.
The reason is that my husband, Bart is a weak male and will bring home just about anything that’s free – and I’m putting an end to this now. I don’t care how you got the mannequin and I don’t care what you do with it, but it can’t come and live at our house – ever. I have a house full of stuff of free furniture, appliances and more. Nothing matches in my house. Nothing – and I won’t have that mannequin staring at me every day for the rest of my life.
So, do we have an understanding? I never ever want to see that mannequin in or around my house ever again. Got it?
Have a great life, Mannequin man. Just remember – that the Mannequin- Can’t live here. Signed, Your Neighbor. P.S. I’m sooooo serious.”
I pulled the mannequin in the house and tried to come up with clever ways to explain this story to my wife. It turns out, I’m not very clever.
Then I had an epiphany – however, that word is spelled.
Who am I more afraid of – my wife or Bart’s wife?
I ended up flipping a coin. Do you know how hard it is to find a coin these days? Anyway, my wife won the coin toss. I decided to go out under the cover of darkness to find a place to offer this free mannequin to a good home.
I didn’t wear my Tom Cruise Wayfarers this time – ya know, because its nighttime now and drove around to find an unsuspecting house to deposit my plastic friend. I found a house that I remember always decorated their front lawn for Boxing Day. It turns out it’s not about Muhammad Ali boxing.
I left the mannequin there with a special note, then an had a quick goodbye to my free plastic friend and left.
I waited for my wife to get home from work and read a book in the front room. I know, right. Reading an actual book. Then I heard my wife pull into the driveway and she burst into the doorway with the biggest smile on her face.
She was beaming.
I wasn’t sure what to think, so I said what I thought I should, “H-Hi Honey, I’m glad you’re home.”
“Hi Baby, You’re never gonna guess what happened…,” she replied, still smiling from ear to ear.
“Did you get a free Onion Ring in your french fries?”
“No- guess again, sweetie”
“We saved a bunch of money with Geico?”
“Was The Last Jedi movie just a dream?”
“No, silly. Wait right here and I’ll show you!” She shut the door and I stood there, following her instructions – waiting.
She threw open the door and presented what led to her joyous entrance.
I look at it and couldn’t speak.
“Babe, check it out – it’s a mannequin! A free mannequin!”
“Yep,” I responded, “I see that.” The magical mannequin had returned like a cursed boomerang. I think I saw her shrug as my wife drug it in the house.
“Honey, that’s cool and all, but where are we going to put it? Our house is so small.”
“Babe,” she replied, “We’ll put it right here in the entryway – to hang our coats and hats on. Oh! and Halloween next year will be so awesome! I’ve got plans! Big plans!”
Truthfully, I don’t know what happened to my wife and I don’t care, but I did something dumb that turned out to be very smart.
Oh, and I love my wife very much…
Jeff – Well, Jimothy. You are the luckiest man walking the planet. Buy your wife something nice, but not another mannequin.
If you would like to send in a Men are Dumb story to be read on the podcast, email ‘firstname.lastname@example.org‘ with Dumb Guy Story in the Subject line. We may edit it for brevity.
Dumb Guy Review
When Harry Met Sally
Jeff – And now, we check in with Zeke McGhee. Remember, Zeke made a huge mistake with his wife and since his wife is the Queen of their house, Zeke must watch and review romantic movies of her choosing to learn his lesson. Zeke’s wife is so upset with him that she hired a Speaker of the Queen, so she doesn’t even have to speak to him.
SOTQ – Zeke, it is I, again – The Speaker of the Queen. Praytell, where is thy review of the romantic movie, When Harry Met Sally per the Queen’s command?
Zeke – I’ve got my notes right here.
SOTQ – Please commence.
Zeke – Well, sure. My name is Zeke McGhee and this is my review of 1989’s When Harry Met Sally. Starring the Voice of Mike Wazowski and the lady from Sleepless in Seattle and a bit of Royalty from Princess Leia.
I mean, think about it;
She found out he needed to get a ride from their college to New York,
she made sure she was on the plane with Mike (and drug her boyfriend along to make him jealous),
she just happened to be in the same bookstore that Mike was in,
it’s all there. Sleepless was a Stalker. A cute stalker, but still.
Princess Leia needed a break from all the Star Warsiness. Because kissing your brother, being Darth Vader’s daughter and running a rebellion will take a lot out of you.
She cut her hair – no more cinnamon bun sides and changed her hair color, but we all knew who it was.
Harry was a lucky guy – he almost had a relationship with Princess Leia. I wonder if Harry was Force-sensitive. Maybe he was a Sith Lord – that could nail “Surry with the Fringe on Top” in Karaoke. It could happen.
In the end, Princess Leia chose the City Slickers Guy. Did you notice the western themed headboard and the now famous “Roy Rogers, Garage Sale, Coffee Table”?
The lesson – Rolodex lists are still cool – and kind of Star Warsy.
Zeke – Well, Speaker of the Queen, do I have to continue to review romcoms?
SOTQ – As a reminder to the listeners, if after I submit thy review and lesson to thy Queen and she feels that thou hast learned thy lesson as to how to be a better mate, then though wilt hear this sound – good sound. This sound shall alert all that thou shall not need to review and further romantic comedies. However, if I submit thy review to thy Queen and she shall shun thy infantile thoughts, ye shall hear this sound – bad sound. This sound shall alert all that thou wilt continue to review romantic comedies until thy Queen proclaims though mayest cease. I shall return with the Queen’s proclamation.
(time passing sound)
SOTQ – Thy queen hadst harkened unto thy review, and hast commanded me to play the sound for thee.
Zeke – Okay, I’m ready.
SOTQ – The sound thy Queen hast commanded me to play is – bad sound. The next movie that thou must review and study is the 2005 film, “Just Like Heaven” starring Reese Witherspoon and Mark Ruffalo
Zeke – Fantastic.
Jeff – We’ll check back in with Zeke and the Speaker of the Queen in our next episode.
Dumb Guy Topic
Why can’t a woman make up her mind on where to eat or what to eat?
This situation is something that men are faced with a lot, and if you have a little bit of acting skill, you can help your lady choose herself, make it seem like it was her idea and maybe get her TV show.
Let me explain.
Let’s set the scene. Your wife is sitting there scrolling through Instra-Pin-Snap-Book and she announces, “I’m hungry”,
You respond, “Ok, let’s go eat. Where do you want to go?”
Sigh, she responds, “I don’t know,” sigh again.
This is the quandary that all men live in. Your lady is hungry. So hungry, that she announces it – but have no clue as to how to fix it.
We all know what happens when men try to solve the problem.
It never ends well, so I suggest a new approach. Men, I’m going to make you an actor – that also will help your wife in a way that will empower her. Empower is one of those Oprah words, so its good.
Trust me, it’s a good thing.
You look at your wife directly in her eyes and say, “Honey, I’ve learned something very special about you…”
She will put down the phone/iPad and stop watching the 1000th rerun of “Friends (probably the one with the duck or money, no doubt)” and lock in on what you are saying.
“Sweetie (or whatever you term of endearment is) I believe that you have psychic powers.”
She will respond with the sense that she does not believe you and pick up the phone and look back up to the “Friends” episode.
“Honey, I’m serious. I have a way to test this out.”
She will look back at you – wrinkle her mouth, tilt her head and respond, “Really? How…”
Ok, will start with an advanced test. Are you ready?
Ok men, I don’t have time to send you to USC acting school, so you’ll have to do exactly as I say. Look at your wife with a mysterious look and tell her, “You need to clear your mind of all the un-psychic energy. Close your eyes and take 4 deep breaths…”
“You’re crazy. I’m not doing it.”
“Trust me, honey. Remember when you guessed what happened to Toby on “This is Us”?”
“That’s just one example, I could go on, but you are a gifted psychic.”
She sighs loudly, “Ok, fine. How many deep breaths?”
“Four,” as she takes in the breath, offer further suggestions (making it look like you are some ‘deep breath expert’) like “hold it in just a little longer,” “big breaths,” “breath out all the negativity – and frustrations,”, etc.
When she is done with the breaths, she should be more apt to believe you now, she will probably ask, “Now what?”
You ask her “How do you feel, honey?”
“Ok, just checking to make sure your psychic stores are all ready to be focused,”
Now she’s really thinking about what you are asking, “Yes. I’m ready”
“Ok, honey. I have a very tough test for you. Only the most exceptional psychics have been able to pass this test, but I know you can. I believe in you.”
“Are you serious? How do you know all this stuff?”
“I took a course. There are lots of things you don’t know about me…” (Women love mystery. Trust me)
“Ok, fine. Whatever. What now?”
“Ok, I think you’re ready for the test. I’m going to think of something. I’m going to make it very tough for you, but I think you’re ready. I’m going to think of a restaurant and I want you to use your psychic powers to guess what I’m thinking. Give me a moment” while you pause maybe hum a certain tone, as you make your mental choice, “Ok, I’ve made my choice. Open your eyes, look at me and receive the psychic waves”
She will look at you quizzically, trying to do her “gift” correctly.
Encourage her, “Honey, don’t force it. Let it happen from your soul.” (Try to be “Yoda teaching Luke the Force on Dagobah” at this point – without the voice)
“Ok, I think I’ve got it”
“Perfect, now tell me the choice you retrieved with your psychic waves.”
“P.F. Changs” she announces.
“That’s a very strong choice, but it isn’t correct. Close your eyes again and do the cleansing breaths and try again”
She closes her eyes and takes in the 4 deep breaths, then opens her eyes and looks into yours, “I’m ready”
“Yes, I believe you are. Tell me the restaurant I’m thinking of right now”
This time she announces it very excitedly, “Cheesecake Factory!”
“Yes! That’s correct. I know you could do it.” (Always tell her the second choice is the right one.) Give her a hug and tell her, since her gift made the choice, that where you two need to go to celebrate.
Men, you’re welcome.
Oh, and men – extra points if you can do all this without cracking up.
If you would like to comment on this topic, go to menaredumb.org/002 and leave a comment on that page.
Stump the Dumb Guy question
How can a guy decide on which shoes a woman should wear with an outfit?
There are a number of things that should be done to make a great decision about the best shoes to wear;
- List all the pros and cons of each shoe, like this one looks sparkly, this one could help you from the zombie apocalypse, this stiletto heal could help you pick a lock,
- Compare each shoe maker’s Instagram page – which one has cute puppies, feathered eyebrows, or interviews with people huffing Helium,
- Answer this question – Which of my favorite movie characters would wear either shoe, You may run into trouble with hobbits – now, if none of those work –
- Enee meanie miney mo.
If you have a Stump the Dumb Guy question and want to send it to us, please go to menaredumb.org/stump
Thanks for joining us here at the Men are Dumb Show.
Men, if you’ve been really dumb lately, remember – every day you have a chance
to wake up be less dumb,
Ladies, if you’re with a dumb guy – sorry.
Thanks to Jen from the jen and Dave Show for her great Stump the Dumb Guy question;
Written, performed, and edited by Jeff Roney
Special thanks to William Lundin, Brad Pogras and Tony Ortiz.