What is the Worst Gift a Guy Could Buy for His Wife?
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RoneyZone Media proudly presents the Men are Dumb Podcast
Show notes can be found at menaredumb.org/003
And now, here is your host…
Hello. I’m Jeff.
We have a bit of a different episode this time;
We have a story about a dumb husband that loves his wife so much, he did something way out of his comfort zone that ended very badly,
We have a dumb guy review of a rom com with Reese Witherspoon,
and a Christmas surprise at the end. You won’t want to miss it.
Dumb Guy Story
The Worst Gift a Guy Could Buy for his Wife is…
Hi Jeff, my name is Clarence. Now, I love my wife – I really do, and I wanted to show her how much I did by doing something special.
Little did I know at the time that it was also dumb, but we’ll get to all that in a minute.
A few Christmases ago, I decided to step outside of my comfort zone and buy something special for my wife. Not a special broom, but something very nice. I wanted to buy here something that would make her cry (in a good way) like, the TV show ‘This is Us’. Some of our biggest arguments came from my ability of NOT knowing what she wanted (because she was sure I *should* just know), so I decided to begin there. I needed help.
So, I watched a few Sherlock episodes with Benedict Cumberbatch and practiced my English Accent and 3 hours later – I was ready, gov’na. Sherlock Dim Bulb was hot on the case of the wife’s Christmas present.
I explored her closet and made note of the colors of clothing that weren’t there. I also made a list of the close she had for different times of the year. I put it all in a spreadsheet and researched, reviewed and scrutinized what she was missing. Aha! I had made a huge discovery.
I didn’t want to shop online. For my wife that I love so much, I needed to brave the Christmas shopping crowds in person.
I grabbed some beef jerky, some Twizzlers, my kevlar vest, some Red Vines, a Mountain Dew and sally forthed onto my destiny.
I decided to shop at the place that my wife and I visit almost as much as our own house – Target, or for those in France – Tar-jay.
As I entered Target, I made my way to the women’s clothing section it looked like an alien planet I’ve never visited. There were monoliths of all manner of mannequins; bald, headless, top half, bottom half and running. I wonder what the running mannequins were running from.
I knew I had to be cautious.
I was very leery of the women’s clothing section because it would turn my wife from a person who knows directions to places better than me to a person that wanders around for hours picking up one blouse, then puts down to pick another up, then puts that one down – to go and pick up the original one again. Maybe it was the special air they pump in or something.
I would not succumb to the area’s trickery.
I had a clear idea of what I wanted – and would not leave without it.
I surveyed the entire section and began to carefully make my way into the fray – and then I saw it.
It was a beautiful sight – purple sweaters. A whole rack of them. Just waiting for me to choose the right one. Purple was the one color that was missing in her closet. Prince loved purple. My wife loved Prince – it made perfect sense.
And there it was – in the right size. I even made the sales associate try it on for me.
I went home, victoriously clutching my trophy. I even wrapped it. It took me watching 4 different youtube tutorial videos to learn how to wrap right, but I did it.
On Christmas morning, I was awake before the kids. I was so excited to see how much my wife would love my gift.
The time arrived and we began to open our gifts. I handed her my special gift first and asked that she open it first. She quizzically looked at me, not knowing what to thinks. She opened it and asked so surprised and gave me a big hug.
I felt like a superhero that day. Oh, wait, my superhero name – The Mighty Shopper – wielder of the mighty debit card. (Better one?)
You would think this story would have a happy ending, but no – something strange was happening.
She never wore the sweater.
10 months later, I finally asked her about it, and her reply shocked me. “Honey, I love you. I really do, but I need you to promise me something…”
“Uh, ok…” I replied
“Don’t ever. I mean ever buy me clothes again.”
“Well, honey I was just trying to show you that I love you…”
“Honey,” her face looked like she was having the worst migraine ever as she continued, “while I can appreciate your kind gesture, buying clothes for a woman is a delicate operation.”
“Oh, I know, I studied your closet and I thought…”
“Uh huh, well honey the next time you want to show me you love me; Why not wash some dishes, hmm? Put some dirty clothes in the hamper, right? Put the seat down!”
“Ok, honey, I’m sensing you’re upset and that wasn’t my intent,”
“I know, but I need you to understand that while I appreciate the gesture, in this particular case you need to stay in your lane, ok?”
I never exactly got the reason for her aversion to the color, but I lay the blame squarely on Target.
Why did they allow a dumb husband to wander into the women’s clothing and buy something that could get him in trouble with his wife?
They should have a TSA queue to screen husbands heading into the female clothing section. If husbands don’t have a note or verbal approval from their wife on Facetime, those husbands without either should be refused entry.
It’s too important.
Can you imagine what would have happened if I bought her some shoes?
If you would like to send in a Men are Dumb story to be read on the podcast, email ‘firstname.lastname@example.org‘ with Dumb Guy Story in the Subject line. We may edit it for brevity.
Dumb Guy Review
Just Like Heaven (2005)
Jeff: Next, we are going to check in with Zeke McGhee. Remember he got in so much trouble with his wife that she made him watch and review romantic comedy movies until he learned to be a better husband.
Zeke: Wow, my wife the Queen has a special electronic microphone for me to give my review.
It says here press to this button and speak into the microphone.
Ok, (beep), This here is Zeke McGhee and this is my receive of 2005’s movie, Just Like Heaven starring Reese Witherspoon and Mark Ruffalo.
There are a few stories going on at the same time;
The Hulk is lonely and Napolean Dynamite fixes him up with a ghost – the ghost of Elle Woods. So, Just Like Heaven is like Ghost – without clay and a dash of Sixth Sense.
Who knew Napolean Dynamite was such a great dating coach?
The lesson I learned is that I want to live in the Hulk’s apartment where ladies in towels answer the door. Well, Speaker of the Queen, that’s my review.
I see another button here, It says, press to submit a review to the Queen (beep). Listen for the Queen’s response.
Zeke: Well, it looks like I’ll be reviewing more romantic comedies in 2019, so I’ll see you then. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, ya’ll.
We’re going to do something fun here and thank some entertaining podcasts and youtube channels for being awesome –
Note: Some of the podcasts or youtube channels listed below may have adult themes or adult language. Mom, just warning you.
On the first day of Christmas, the internet gave to me –
I Shake My Head with Lisa and Sam (https://ismhead.podbean.com/)
Two Canadian ladies talk about all kinds of hilarious topics in a car. I like them better than Maple Syrup, Rush, Celine Dion and Justin Beiber.
On the second day of Christmas, the internet gave to me –
The Jen and Dave Show (http://thenewjenanddaveshow.blogspot.com/)
A husband and wife discuss a slice of life, their life. It’s always fun and – different.
On the third day of Christmas, the internet gave to me –
The Sci-Fi Christian (http://thescifichristian.com/)
2 insightful Sci-Fi aficionados discuss Science Fiction TV, Movie, books and more. Ben is the grumpy one and Matt is not too grumpy. If you aren’t into religion, don’t let the name dissuade you, it’s not all religious talk, all the time. It’s very entertaining.
Oh, and Ben DOES NOT like Disney parks – or any parks where there are lots of people. You have been warned.
On the fourth day of Christmas, the internet gave to me –
The PopCast with Knox and Jamie (http://knoxandjamie.com/)
Knox and Jamie are great hosts that discuss pop culture in all its different permutations.
On the fifth day of Christmas, the internet gave to me –
The Story Behind Podcast (http://thestorybehindpodcast.com/)
Emily breathes exciting life into everyday items and subjects (like Balloons, Tipping, Hair Spray, and more). Her podcast makes learning fun – without a purple dinosaur. She also has published a book, called (The Story Behind).
On the sixth day of Christmas, the internet gave to me –
Bad Reception Podcast (https://badreception.podbean.com/)
Mike and Morgan are doing the Lord’s work by reviewing the worst TV ever. Pray for them. It’s a fun, rabbit-trail filled romp through shows like; Sons of Thunder, Adventures in Babysitting (Yes, Virginia, there was a TV show), The Munsters Today, Ferris Bueller (Again, it was the TV show) and more.
On the seventh day of Christmas, the internet gave to me –
Retro Cinema Podcast (http://theretrocinema.com/)
It’s all eighties – all the time. Bring your walkman, big hair, leg warmers, neon colors and a love for 80’s movies. Gidgit and Angry take deep dives into 80’s movies you thought you knew – and teach you so much more.
On the eighth day of Christmas, the internet gave to me –
So I Married a Movie Geek (https://soimarriedamoviegeek.podbean.com/)
Marriage is tough, but what if you marry a movie geek? Justin and Krissy host this fun podcast and discuss – wait for it – movies. Krissy was a highly schooled moviephile and Justine has been teaching her the finer things of movies like; Mannequin and Just One of the Guys.
These two are very entertaining and have attitude to spare. They also include fun, fantasy movie drafts. When I first tweeted them (to try and educate Krissy on what she should read to understand the intricacies of Joseph Campbell’s The Heroe’s Journey in regards to Star Wars), Krissy responded ‘Ain’t nobody got time for that’.
See what you’ve been missing. 🙂
On the ninth day of Christmas, the internet gave to me –
Reel Feels Podcast (https://reelfeelspodcast.podbean.com/)
Drew, Nathan, and Jack bring their different perspectives and geekiness to the table as they discuss a plethora of movies from; Tremors, Three Amigos, High Fidelity and much more.
They just released a very fun Christmas episode and that inspired me to do this episode. Thanks gents.
On the tenth day of Christmas, the internet gave to me –
The TRY Channel (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCabq3No3wXbs6Ut-Pux6SzA)
What if you gather a group of entertaining Irish people together and asked them to try food, drinks and videos – would that be fun?
Yes, it would. A lot of fun.
On the eleventh day of Christmas, the internet gave to me –
Girlfriend Reviews (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC2eEGT06FrWFU6VBnPOR9lg)
The premise is a girlfriend reviewing the experience of her boyfriend playing videogames (okay, she plays them sometimes, too). It is hilarious and she is someone to keep an eye on. Her wit and comedy are amazing.
On the twelfth day of Christmas, the internet gave to me –
Whoa Susannah (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC1pMSANmOdwye49C4dQ7Q7g)
She is a hilarious writer and viral youtuber. You may have heard of her when you posted her “For the Love, Kroger” video about the trauma she faced when they changed around her local Kroger store. Whatever she discusses, it takes you down her comedic path, through the meadow of sarcasm with some heartfelt moments along the way, too.
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Stump the Dumb Guy question
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Thanks for joining us here at the Men are Dumb Show.
Men, if you’ve been really dumb lately, remember – every day you have a chance to wake up be less dumb,
Ladies, if you’re with a dumb guy – sorry.
Written, performed, and edited by Jeff Roney
Special thanks to William Lundin, Brad Pogras and Tony Ortiz.