My Feelings About Kristen Stewart
If you listen to our podcast about ABC TV’s fantasy drama, “Once Upon a Time,” you would already my feelings about Twilight, but if you don’t – this post is for you.
I would imagine that Kristen Stewart is a nice enough person. I’ve never met her. I have no particular ax to grind with her, but then again in a certain situation – I would.
Let’s say I was a Hollywood actor. Stop laughing, just go with me.
A little less good-looking than Brad Pitt, but way funnier, and I was cast in a movie with Kristen Stewart. The movie would be about a blogger that saved the world. Got it? Okay.
So, one day during filming the movie and I told a string of particularly hysterical jokes and Kristen came over and said,
“Hey Jeff, you’re really funny,”
“Not funny looking – I hope,”
“Let’s not go there. Anyway, you’re really funny,”
“Okay. You want to have a “Yo Mamma” contest or something?”
“No, I feel drawn to you, ya know. I can’t explain it…”
“I get that a lot. It’s like me and Reese’s Peanut Butter cups. They call out to me… Uh, nevermind”
“Let’s go make out or something. Don’t you have a Hall Pass from your wife you can use?”
“Well, I let her bring in the entire Friends DVD collection into our house that she never watches. That might be worth something”
“Wait, don’t you have a list with your wife of Hollywood stars you could “get closer to” if you ever had the chance? That’d be perfect, right? Come on, Jeff”
“Well, I do have a list like that, but I don’t know if…”
“Jeff, wait – My makeup and clothing people are right over there. I can look like this…”
“Sexy, huh? Come on Jeff, we can go give each other a “standing massage with all our clothes on, by a fence. It’s really fun”
“Kristen – no.”
“You ruined my TV”
“How, may I ask?”
“Yes, Kristen you asked – and I will tell you. You made all those Twilight movies”
“Oh, you’re a hater, then”
“No, my wife loves those movies and she watches them all the time. You don’t know what it’s like trying to get to TV fast enough to turn it on something besides a Twilight movie palooza. I’d love to watch something – anything besides a Twilight movie!”
“You’re wife has good taste, then. She wouldn’t mind if we share a “standing you know what”, right?”
Then I look her in the eye and say, “You’re going to have to go on with your life without our “standing you know what”, Kristen. You’ll be fine, but just remember that Twilight was your big mistake. Goodbye, Kristen. Let’s finish this movie and part ways forever.”
“Wait! I’ll put on an Angelina Jolie mask!”
“No, I will still know there is a connection to those sparkly vampire movies even with the lovely mask on and I just couldn’t do it. Soldier on through your life, Kristen without the “standing you know what” with me”
She began to cry, “All right, I’ll try.”
I walked back to my much bigger trailer than hers, and she called out, “Jeff!”
“I’ll always think of you when I eat a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup,”
She disappeared sobbing and I went onto much blogging stardom and received mysterious Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups with lipstick prints on them every year on my Birthday.
The moral of the post:
The Twilight movies suck. They really, really suck and they suck exponentially more on my TV!!
I did enjoy Kristen’s role in The Runaways, by the way. Not a hater of you, Kristen.
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