I’ve never had trouble with my teeth, to the chagrin of dentists around the world.
Seriously, I had a cavity that I could drive a car through on my bottom right wisdom tooth – and it never hurt at all.
The only time I feel pain is when I have to go to the dentist.
5 Reasons I Hate Going to the Dentist
I have to thank my wife, though, she encouraged (more like harangued) me to take care of my teeth, so I did.
1. The Pre-Appointment Harrassment
The Dentist is more like the Mafia these days. They bother me way worse than my wife ever could.
A little tip for you all out there. As you fill out all the paperwork for the dentist and include all your contact information – they WILL use it to contact you in every conceivable way possible. They will email, call, text, morse code, snapchat, regular Instagram notification, sexy “Kardashian” Instagram notification, buck naked “Rhianna” Instagram notification, skywrite, send zombies to remind you to make or confirm your appointment.
On and on, they will digitally (and in other ways) harass you – and if that doesn’t work
They tell your wife to remind you – and you know she excels at that.
I once got so bothered by it all I told my wife I’d rather have false teeth. That conversation didn’t go well.
Since I try and go to the dentist as little as possible, when I arrive there should be a live band, scantily clad women with Nitric Oxide canisters, streamers and pigs in a blanket for all.
But, normally it’s a receptionist who is perturbed with me that I didn’t confirm my appointment the first time (not the 10th). They know I’m coming, but I’m told to sit down and wait.
I’m at the dentist office – to get dental work. I could wait at home – and play a videogame, or watch new Tiffany Alyssa youtube video. (Your welcome Tiffany)
So, I’m waiting and posting snide comments on Facebook about the experience (Seriously, most of my posts when I’m waiting for something are pure gold.), and then the dental assistant comes out and ushers me to one of the
torture dental chairs.
3. The Music
Your waiting again for the teeth cleaning to begin and you hear it – music you would never play on Pandora, buy on Itunes or download illegally. It’s not Zamfir plays Metallica, it’s a brand new student of Zamfir playing something that sounds like Metallica. It’s almost like a game – guess what song it is. Sound like fun? Nope, it’s not. The music just kept coming;
Piccolo Pete plays Peter, Paul and Mary,
Lou and the KooKoo Kazoo Band sort of playing Kenny G,
Clark and Armpit Farters toot the hits, like “Love Stinks”, or
God Only Nose
4. The Teeth Cleaning (finally)
Remember way before the TSA
probing screening before a flight? The airline personnel would ask you those two questions about your bag and look at your eyes to see if you were telling the truth, well the dental assistant does the same thing – sort of.
“Have you been brushing your teeth?” “Nurse Nancy,” asks,
I could lie, but I’m not sure if she has a polygraph machine in her sharp tooth scraping tool, “Depends on how you define brushing. If you use my definition, then yes,”
“Hmm, what if you use my definition?” Nurse Nancy asks,
“Well, I brush my teeth like I win money from my lottery tickets,”
“Great, well. You can hold onto the arms of the chair if it gets too – uncomfortable for you.” Nurse Nancy smiled briefly reaching for another silver hook, “Should I ask about flossing?”
“Actually, I floss a lot. I care more about in between my teeth that the outsides of them,” I replied wincing,
“Hmm, you floss but do you use these floss devices with two strands of floss?”
“Two strands of floss? Like razors for my face?”
“Oh yes, double-stranded floss picks are very popular and useful? Would you like a free sample?”
“Oh sure, a lot of good a free sample of the double-stranded floss now. Why didn’t you have people posted at Target stopping me from buying the less effective single stranded floss to get the double-stranded kind? Should I wait until there is 3 stranded floss? 4 stranded? 10 stranded? a dozen strands? I wish I would have known that what I had was inferior before I used it 6 months ago!!!”
“Sir, settle down. You’re making the spit sucker tube work too hard. The single strand floss is fine, but… well, you know.”
“Oh, I know.”
“I guess I shouldn’t bring up…”
“What? Go ahead. What else?”
“Well, for the best flossing between your teeth, they make these (She shows me a teeny flossing brush that looks like a cross between a Christmas Tree and a toilet brush – only much smaller)”
“Would you like a…”
“…free sample, but of course!”
“Excellent, I’ll include all these with a brand new toothbrush that shocks you if you stop brushing too soon.”
“Great. I can’t wait.”
“Okay. Well, because you haven’t been using the best devices to keep your teeth clean – I’ll need to use some of my deeper cleaning devices. Would you like me to give you some novocaine?”
“Could I speak to a member of the clergy?”
5. The Aftermath
I survived my partial teeth cleaning. Partial. They don’t even clean all your teeth in one visit. I have to experience all this again in 3 weeks.
I’m really considering those false teeth again.
Note: This is written as faction – part fact, part fiction. Only I know which part is fact and which is fiction, so don’t worry if it’s about you or not (Family and Friends or my wonderful Dentist), just read and laugh.
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